Most men follow this unwritten law while using Restrooms.
“Thou shall use the farthest available urinal from the ones being used”.
Yours truly hates it when someone breaks this above-mentioned law. Men, unlike women don’t bond in restrooms and the last thing a man wants when he is urinating is the presence of another man awfully close to him. It is comprehensible for somebody to take one of the abutting urinals if the restroom is crowded. But when it is deserted, committing such an act is considered sacrilegious by most of us.
Around six months ago, I was at a Multiplex with my friends. During Intermission, we were the first few people to exit the hall. While my friends headed towards the popcorn counter, I entered the restroom. I was really happy to see it uninhabited as I suffer from performance anxiety (only when it comes to urinating in crowded restrooms). I got to the urinal at the far end of the restroom with the logic that people who would enter after me would use the ones closer to the door. So, I took my position, unzipped, closed my eyes and was trying hard to concentrate on the task at hand. Just then, I felt a tap on my back.
ABORT MISSION!!! ABORT MISSION!!! ABORT MISSION!!!
I could hear the alarm wailing (inside my head).
I couldn’t do what I was there to do. I opened my eyes and turned around to see my colleague taking his position in the urinal right next to mine. This, when the whole damn restroom was devoid of any other human form. I forced a smile, said hi, zipped my trousers and left without completing the act I was there to accomplish (Of course, I washed my hands before leaving).
That evening, my colleague not only broke the unwritten restroom law, he went a step further and broke my concentration by patting my back. I had to wait a few more minutes for people to return to the movie. I then went back to the restroom and found a couple of kids (luckily, they didn’t look intimidating) playing with the faucets with passive infrared sensors. This time, I accomplished my task and heaved a sigh of relief (literally). I know that most women will think "what's the whole fuss about?".
Dude, if you are reading this, don’t get offended. You are a nice guy. I have nothing against you. You were probably surprised to see me there. But you could have waited till I was done or till we got out of that restroom. I think you were unaware of the existence of the above-mentioned law. Now that you know, don’t ever think of breaking it again.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Boston Brahmin
Like most Indians who live in the West, most of my cousins come down to India in the month of December. One of them is H, who lives in Boston. He is a couple of years elder to me and during my adolescence he was more than a cousin, he was my friend, philosopher and guide. Back then, I considered him cool and probably even tried to emulate him.
So, H calls me on a Saturday evening and says we (H, me and two more cousins) should meet up at Forum by 7. I get there a little early. H is already there with his close friend R. After the customary hug and the exchange of pleasantries, we have a little chat while waiting for the other two cousins.
Meeting at Forum on a crowded Saturday evening didn’t make any sense to me.
Me: Of all places, why did you choose Forum on a Saturday evening?
H: Oh, that’s because my eyes are tired of seeing White women. So, I thought there is no better place than Forum to check out some Desi chicks.
Me: You are wrong. If you wanted to check out some chicks, there are better places in Bangalore. But, aren’t there any Desi girls at your University?
H: Oh there are a lot of Desi girls at my University and also in Boston but most of them are ‘Bitches’.
Now, I don’t like that word when it is used to belittle the fairer sex. It is acceptable when the same word is colloquially used amongst friends who share a real camaraderie.
Me: Why do you use that word? I don’t think you should.
H: A Bitch is a Bitch. There is no other word man. Prostitute probably.
Me: Okay. Who according to you is a Bitch?
H: One who sleeps around with a lot of guys.
Me: Hmmm…
H: What’s your definition of a Bitch?
Me: A female dog.
Me: Sex is a requirement of the body. If some girl wants to fulfill that requirement, let her do it man. You might not want to (or might not get to). It’s her life. Let her do what she wants. Why do you have a problem with that?
H: It’s not in our culture to do such things. By the way, what would you call a woman who slept around?
Me: It’s her life man and it’s nobody’s business to call her names. She would certainly have a name and I’d address her by that name.
H: At least none of my friends would like to be associated with a woman who sleeps around.
R to H: Cant you see? He’s getting offended. Why do you want to rub it in?
R makes me feel like a Feminist but I don’t give a fuck. At this point, I feel like telling my cousin, “Fucking stop judging people”.
Me: Okay. What do you call a guy who does the same? Do you have a term to describe a guy who sleeps around?
After thinking for a few seconds.
H: Such a guy can be called a ‘Casanova’.
Me: Give me a break. How often do you use that word? You are practicing double standards man.
H: I have one such roommate and we call him ‘Dagar’ (Kannada slang for a Prostitute).
What he fails to understand is the difference in usage. He obviously uses ‘Dagar’ in lighter vein. Probably, just to pull his friend’s leg. It’s also obvious that he shares camaraderie with his roomie, who would never get offended.
Me: Do you use the word ‘Casanova’ as often or as loosely as the word ‘Bitch’? Let me guess. You don’t.
H: A girl should know where to draw the line.
Me: Exactly. She draws the line for herself, not us. I think the word ‘Bitch’ is derogatory and it should not be used when you are describing a woman. At least, it’s not right for men to use it ( I feel It works the same way as the word ‘Nigger’. It’s okay if African-Americans use it amongst themselves). And also, you are not being fair targeting just one sex.
Again R to H: Forget it man. He is getting offended.
H: Whatever man. I wouldn’t marry someone like that. I’d like to marry a conservative girl.
And I’m thinking.. Dude, what makes you believe such a girl would want to marry you? With this attitude, I’d be surprised if any girl would want to marry you.
Me: Okay. Define a conservative girl for me.
H: A Brahmin, vegetarian girl who is good-looking. I have no problems if she wears short skirts (You have no problems or you would want her to?). Is that too much to ask? My friends in Boston say that I’d never find such a girl in Bangalore. They say I know nothing about Bangalore and I keep telling them that I worked in the city for almost three years before I came to Boston and I’m pretty sure that such girls exist. What do you think?
Me: A Brahmin, vegetarian, conservative, good-looking girl who wears short skirts. And I presume you would want her to be a virgin. Hmmm.. Dunno.. You might find one but I’m yet to meet someone who would fit that description.
H turns towards R expecting a response.
R: I don’t know much about these things. I can’t comment.
Just then, the other two cousins arrive, which brings our conversation to an end. Actually, I wanted to ask him a couple more questions.
1. Would he also call an unmarried girl who has slept with just one person, a Bitch?
2. He wants to marry a conservative, Brahmin girl but does he still qualify as a Brahmin since he eats egg and crossed the seven seas?
I don’t know what makes him believe he has the right to draw lines for others, judge people and call them names. I wanted to tell him that even the PhD he might receive few years down the line would not give him that authority.
P.S: Wiki says Boston Brahmin are the class of New Englanders who claim hereditary and cultural descent from the English Protestants who founded the city of Boston, Massachusetts.
P.P.S: Later on we had another discussion on 'Gays and Lesbians'. He was more receptive in his attitude towards them. But he was also sympathetic. I told him that 'Sympathy' is the last thing they expect.
So, H calls me on a Saturday evening and says we (H, me and two more cousins) should meet up at Forum by 7. I get there a little early. H is already there with his close friend R. After the customary hug and the exchange of pleasantries, we have a little chat while waiting for the other two cousins.
Meeting at Forum on a crowded Saturday evening didn’t make any sense to me.
Me: Of all places, why did you choose Forum on a Saturday evening?
H: Oh, that’s because my eyes are tired of seeing White women. So, I thought there is no better place than Forum to check out some Desi chicks.
Me: You are wrong. If you wanted to check out some chicks, there are better places in Bangalore. But, aren’t there any Desi girls at your University?
H: Oh there are a lot of Desi girls at my University and also in Boston but most of them are ‘Bitches’.
Now, I don’t like that word when it is used to belittle the fairer sex. It is acceptable when the same word is colloquially used amongst friends who share a real camaraderie.
Me: Why do you use that word? I don’t think you should.
H: A Bitch is a Bitch. There is no other word man. Prostitute probably.
Me: Okay. Who according to you is a Bitch?
H: One who sleeps around with a lot of guys.
Me: Hmmm…
H: What’s your definition of a Bitch?
Me: A female dog.
Me: Sex is a requirement of the body. If some girl wants to fulfill that requirement, let her do it man. You might not want to (or might not get to). It’s her life. Let her do what she wants. Why do you have a problem with that?
H: It’s not in our culture to do such things. By the way, what would you call a woman who slept around?
Me: It’s her life man and it’s nobody’s business to call her names. She would certainly have a name and I’d address her by that name.
H: At least none of my friends would like to be associated with a woman who sleeps around.
R to H: Cant you see? He’s getting offended. Why do you want to rub it in?
R makes me feel like a Feminist but I don’t give a fuck. At this point, I feel like telling my cousin, “Fucking stop judging people”.
Me: Okay. What do you call a guy who does the same? Do you have a term to describe a guy who sleeps around?
After thinking for a few seconds.
H: Such a guy can be called a ‘Casanova’.
Me: Give me a break. How often do you use that word? You are practicing double standards man.
H: I have one such roommate and we call him ‘Dagar’ (Kannada slang for a Prostitute).
What he fails to understand is the difference in usage. He obviously uses ‘Dagar’ in lighter vein. Probably, just to pull his friend’s leg. It’s also obvious that he shares camaraderie with his roomie, who would never get offended.
Me: Do you use the word ‘Casanova’ as often or as loosely as the word ‘Bitch’? Let me guess. You don’t.
H: A girl should know where to draw the line.
Me: Exactly. She draws the line for herself, not us. I think the word ‘Bitch’ is derogatory and it should not be used when you are describing a woman. At least, it’s not right for men to use it ( I feel It works the same way as the word ‘Nigger’. It’s okay if African-Americans use it amongst themselves). And also, you are not being fair targeting just one sex.
Again R to H: Forget it man. He is getting offended.
H: Whatever man. I wouldn’t marry someone like that. I’d like to marry a conservative girl.
And I’m thinking.. Dude, what makes you believe such a girl would want to marry you? With this attitude, I’d be surprised if any girl would want to marry you.
Me: Okay. Define a conservative girl for me.
H: A Brahmin, vegetarian girl who is good-looking. I have no problems if she wears short skirts (You have no problems or you would want her to?). Is that too much to ask? My friends in Boston say that I’d never find such a girl in Bangalore. They say I know nothing about Bangalore and I keep telling them that I worked in the city for almost three years before I came to Boston and I’m pretty sure that such girls exist. What do you think?
Me: A Brahmin, vegetarian, conservative, good-looking girl who wears short skirts. And I presume you would want her to be a virgin. Hmmm.. Dunno.. You might find one but I’m yet to meet someone who would fit that description.
H turns towards R expecting a response.
R: I don’t know much about these things. I can’t comment.
Just then, the other two cousins arrive, which brings our conversation to an end. Actually, I wanted to ask him a couple more questions.
1. Would he also call an unmarried girl who has slept with just one person, a Bitch?
2. He wants to marry a conservative, Brahmin girl but does he still qualify as a Brahmin since he eats egg and crossed the seven seas?
I don’t know what makes him believe he has the right to draw lines for others, judge people and call them names. I wanted to tell him that even the PhD he might receive few years down the line would not give him that authority.
P.S: Wiki says Boston Brahmin are the class of New Englanders who claim hereditary and cultural descent from the English Protestants who founded the city of Boston, Massachusetts.
P.P.S: Later on we had another discussion on 'Gays and Lesbians'. He was more receptive in his attitude towards them. But he was also sympathetic. I told him that 'Sympathy' is the last thing they expect.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Happy Birthday Prema!!!
Our housemaid’s daughter celebrates her Birthday on January 1 and the first thing we get to eat in the New Year is a 'Melody'. I think 'Melody' is her daughter’s favorite toffee because that’s what we get every year and I like it too.
Our housemaid is a really skinny lady who is probably in her late 20’s and suffers from Hypothyroidism, which apparently is the reason for scrawniness. She has two kids, a boy and a girl. Her son is ten and her daughter turned seven yesterday. Our housemaid works at seven or eight different places and makes around Rs 4000 every month (It’s such a shame that these housemaids and labourers earn a pittance for all their hard work). Like most parents, she tries to provide the best possible life to her kids (I hope they appreciate their Mom’s efforts and grow up to successful individual). Her husband on the other hand is the usual unemployed, alcoholic, wife-beating loser. His latest transgression was selling his daughter’s gejje (silver anklets) to get drunk on New Year’s Eve.
Dad says that homes would not find housemaids if their husbands provided for them, did not get drunk, treated them well or did not desert them because no self-respecting man would let his wife work as a housemaid.
Birthdays bring back a lot of memories. Back in the 80’s and the early 90’s, none of my friends in our predominantly Kannadiga locality used to have Birthday parties. I remember attending just one Birthday party; that of a Bengali kid. Having lived in different parts of the country, I am of the opinion that at least during those days North Indians used to celebrate Birthdays with much more fanfare compared to us South Indians. In our locality, a Birthday celebration would typically involve distributing toffees or candies in School (Some rich kids would distribute them in all the Sections), the neighbourhood followed by a wonderful Birthday feast prepared by Mom. Forget dreaming of having a Birthday party, I detested the thought of distributing toffees. I stopped distributing toffees in School when I was in Class 3 as my class teacher would take all the leftover toffees claiming to distribute them among the underprivileged kids and I didn’t buy the story.
Last year, I cut a Birthday cake (actually, two) for the first time in my life. I wasn’t terribly excited, as I don’t really enjoy celebrating my Birthday. What made me feel special was that some people took the trouble to organize a party (actually, two) for me.
KK: Thanks for ordering for that ginourmous cake which you had to later carry all the way to the resort. Dude, you gave me my first Birthday cake. BTW, with so many friends I am curious to know your monthly budget towards Birthday cakes? :P
Mota: We have known each other for over seven years now. Engineering would have been boring had it not been for friends like you, Lambu, Dhadiya and Sam. As neither of us has still learnt an instrument, starting a Rock band still remains a distant dream. Those Birthday bumps were a pain in the arse (literally) for almost a week and I wasn’t expecting them after having gone easy on you on your Birthday. BTW, I loved that Mango-flavoured cake but its more than five months and I still haven’t got my Birthday gift. :@
Ava: We first met some six years ago, but we have bonded well over the past year. You are a great friend and I sometimes wish that I had made that extra effort to know you when we first met. I know that you and Mota were equally responsible for organizing the whole thing. On second thought, I think you deserve more credit because I am sure that it was you who reminded him. :)
Our housemaid is a really skinny lady who is probably in her late 20’s and suffers from Hypothyroidism, which apparently is the reason for scrawniness. She has two kids, a boy and a girl. Her son is ten and her daughter turned seven yesterday. Our housemaid works at seven or eight different places and makes around Rs 4000 every month (It’s such a shame that these housemaids and labourers earn a pittance for all their hard work). Like most parents, she tries to provide the best possible life to her kids (I hope they appreciate their Mom’s efforts and grow up to successful individual). Her husband on the other hand is the usual unemployed, alcoholic, wife-beating loser. His latest transgression was selling his daughter’s gejje (silver anklets) to get drunk on New Year’s Eve.
Dad says that homes would not find housemaids if their husbands provided for them, did not get drunk, treated them well or did not desert them because no self-respecting man would let his wife work as a housemaid.
Birthdays bring back a lot of memories. Back in the 80’s and the early 90’s, none of my friends in our predominantly Kannadiga locality used to have Birthday parties. I remember attending just one Birthday party; that of a Bengali kid. Having lived in different parts of the country, I am of the opinion that at least during those days North Indians used to celebrate Birthdays with much more fanfare compared to us South Indians. In our locality, a Birthday celebration would typically involve distributing toffees or candies in School (Some rich kids would distribute them in all the Sections), the neighbourhood followed by a wonderful Birthday feast prepared by Mom. Forget dreaming of having a Birthday party, I detested the thought of distributing toffees. I stopped distributing toffees in School when I was in Class 3 as my class teacher would take all the leftover toffees claiming to distribute them among the underprivileged kids and I didn’t buy the story.
Last year, I cut a Birthday cake (actually, two) for the first time in my life. I wasn’t terribly excited, as I don’t really enjoy celebrating my Birthday. What made me feel special was that some people took the trouble to organize a party (actually, two) for me.
KK: Thanks for ordering for that ginourmous cake which you had to later carry all the way to the resort. Dude, you gave me my first Birthday cake. BTW, with so many friends I am curious to know your monthly budget towards Birthday cakes? :P
Mota: We have known each other for over seven years now. Engineering would have been boring had it not been for friends like you, Lambu, Dhadiya and Sam. As neither of us has still learnt an instrument, starting a Rock band still remains a distant dream. Those Birthday bumps were a pain in the arse (literally) for almost a week and I wasn’t expecting them after having gone easy on you on your Birthday. BTW, I loved that Mango-flavoured cake but its more than five months and I still haven’t got my Birthday gift. :@
Ava: We first met some six years ago, but we have bonded well over the past year. You are a great friend and I sometimes wish that I had made that extra effort to know you when we first met. I know that you and Mota were equally responsible for organizing the whole thing. On second thought, I think you deserve more credit because I am sure that it was you who reminded him. :)
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